Before reading the satire (below), I had already seen in the news recently that only two times did Mayan calendars predicted a change of cosmic proportions. None of the other calendar and prophecies from ancient Mayan times predicted that anything special would happen in 2012–except calendars would start over.–KAS
The Real 2012 Prophecy: Mayans, Nostradamus, and Planet X, Oh My!1
by Rich Deem
The year 2012 is supposed to result in a slew of natural disasters culminating in the end of the world (as we know it, or think we know it, as the case may be). We know this prediction is true because a bunch of savage, child sacrificing, jungle-dwelling Mayans2 prophesied it hundreds of years ago through their amazingly accurate calendar. Never mind that the date for Armageddon was originally set as December 24, 2011. We now know that these events will occur at exactly 11:11 GMT on December 21 2012, even though some Mayan predictions go all the way to 4772 A.D.3 Those Mayans really knew everything about astronomy, since their calendar consisted of 260-day periods, which we now know represents the true length of the solar year! According to the Mayan calendar, the “Great Cycle” equates with 5,125.36 years, which began on August 11, 3114 B.C. and ends in 2012. Unfortunately for the Maya (but maybe fortunately for us), they ended before their calendar.
The Maya were not the only people to predict the end of the world. Incan and Egyptian calendars, as well as with the prophecies of Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce (famous for predicting from 1958-1998 that a tilting of the Earth’s axis would result in “The earth will be broken up in the western portion of America. The greater portion of Japan must go into the sea.”), and the I Ching, Hopi Indians, along with a slew of wackos have indicated that the apocalypse will occur in December 2012. Nostradamus predicted a great comet, Nibiru, would impact the Mediterranean on December 21, 2012 (or was it the year 1999? – close enough!).
Not content with just one disaster at a time, 2012 will unleash the ultimate disaster movie – earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, hurricanes, tsunamis, floods, and droughts (at the same time and place!). These events are thought to be caused by a polar shift, enormous asteroids, violent solar activity (never mind that the Sun is now at its most quiet phase in recorded history), the emergence of Planet X or Nibiru, and the planetary alignment of Venus. Never mind that the next Venetian alignment is actually, on June 5-6, 2012, and that the alignment will produce a gravitational interaction on the order of your neighbor’s Toaster Strudel. This is real science, man! The other probable causes of these disasters relate to the earth’s precession, a 26,000 year cycle that just happens to coincide with the 12/21/2012 date (how it coincides we aren’t sure, but we want to throw it in so that nothing is left out). In addition, our Solar System crosses in and out of the galactic plane every 33 million years. Coincidentally, the Sun will be at the exact center of the galactic plane on December 21, 2012 (or maybe it already happened 3 million years ago – but who’s counting). At the same time, there will be a massive pole shift caused by the galactic alignment between the center of the galaxy and the Sun that will cause massive earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis. What fun!
The really bad thing about 2012 is that the government knows everything about what is going to happen and they are keeping it from you. When Barack Obama talked about change, he wasn’t kidding! In fact, they have set up a secret organization, including a secret website, the Institute for Human Continuity, to promote the continued survival of the human species after December 21, 2012. Among other things, the Institute is conducting a lottery to determine which humans will be selected to inhabit the subterranean cities in their “Operation Safe Haven.” Surprisingly, the Institute has been operating since 1978, when they held their first Summit in in Timaru, New Zealand. You best get aboard while you can. Don’t wait until 2012!
The real 2012 prophecy
In case you didn’t get it, this page is satire. The “government conspiracy” websites are really a product of Sony Pictures to promote their movie. Some of my readers made me put in this disclaimer, since they didn’t think that some of you could figure this out on your own. They just wanted to ruin all my fun!
Since everybody else is making 2012 predictions, I thought I would throw mine into the mix. And here it is… The 2012 disasters are such good violence and mayhem that they would make the ultimate disaster movie. Hey, somebody needs to make a lot of money by taking from the ignorant interested people. Authors will write books and studios will make movies and the con artists will make lots of money – just like the good old days of Y2K.
Conclusion Top of page
Yes, there will be earthquakes, volcanoes, floods and droughts in 2012, just as there are in every year. My 2012 prediction is that scammers will make a lot of money off gullible astute people. Now, if I could only figure out how to use that Parmesan Chicken with Pasta Rags recipe from my GE newsletter in my new GE Dishwasher.
For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. (2 Timothy 4:3-4)
In case you didn’t get it, yes, this page is satire. No, we don’t believe in any of the 2012 prophecies.
For people who don’t believe the Maya were “savage, child sacrificing,” please click the links below to read the scientific citations supporting this claim:
Vera Etons. Latin American Antiquity 17: 493-510.
Cecilia Medina Martín and Mirna Sánchez Vargas. 2007. Posthumous Body Treatments and Ritual Meaning in the Classic Period Northern Petén: A Taphonomic Approach. Springer, New York.
Amador Minjares. 2003. Human Skeletal Remains of the Ancient Maya in the Caves of Dos Pilas, Guatemala. Thesis, University of Notre Dame.
Sacred Cenote, Wikipedia.
Chichén Itzá Sacrifice at the Ball Game About.com.
Ballcourt beheading carved in stone
Maya Human Sacrifice, Belize, National Geographic.
Mark Van Stone. It’s Not the End of the World: What the Ancient Maya Tell Us About 2012 Part II—A look at the Creation